I always prefer the plain, direct word to the long, vague one.  — C.S. Lewis

Back in the day, I had a manager that took the art of direct feedback to the next level.  If something needed improvement or a honest assessment, he was your guy!  Some people could not operate under those conditions.  We don’t always want to hear the truth.  But I happened to prefer it, and we got along great.  Not that it wasn’t without some awkward moments.

The very first time I delivered a presentation of new material to a client, my manager was in the back of the room observing.  After the meeting, he asked me how I thought it went.  Candidly, I thought I struggled a bit with nerves in the beginning but then hit me stride.

“Well, I thought the beginning was a little rocky, but…”

He immediately cut me off.

“I thought the beginning was rocky, the middle was rocky and the ending was rocky.  We have a LOT of work to do!”

Tell me how you really feel!

It was hard to hear in the moment.  But we worked on it.  And I got better.  By the end of my first sales trip, I was rock solid on my presentation skills!

I got to the point where I was immune to the shock of actually hearing the blunt truth, and stopped noticing anything out of the ordinary.  Until about a year later.  9/11 happened and I was was working in our headquarters in New York City.  All the emotion and sadness followed.  For a couple weeks or so, no one in our company travelled by air to visit clients.  Finally, in mid-October, my boss and I flew from NYC to Minneapolis to see a financial services client.

We arrived at the IDS Center, the tallest building in downtown Minneapolis, where we were greeted in the lobby by a friendly Midwestern guy, who served as our guide up the offices.  As we took the long elevator ride up to the 54th Floor, our guide asked us if we were worried about another terrorist attack.  We both shrugged and offered a “not really” non-verbal response.  Then he offered his opinion.

“I think it’s coming.  And you can imagine how scared we are all here.  The IDS Center is a sitting duck!”

Oh boy.  I bit my tongue. But my boss couldn’t help himself.

“You don’t have anything to worry about.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t think Al-Quaeda is targeting second-tier American cities like Minneapolis.”

Whoa.  Did that really just happen?  Just like the Dutch soccer player from “Ted Lasso”.

Needless to say, the rest of the elevator ride was drenched in awkward silence.

Okay, perhaps my boss went a bit too far in offering his honest feedback in this case.  But the point still remains.  We can’t just surround ourselves with people who tell us what we want to hear.  Sometimes, we need honest and direct feedback in order to improve and stay resilient.

Feedback is a Gift

Accepting direct feedback is never easy.  We often turn defensive and put up a brick wall.  Who is this person to tell me what to do?  How dare they?  But the reality is we all have blind spots that are holding us back.  We can’t always see them or self-diagnose the path to improvement.  Unbiased feedback, particularly from those we know and trust, can open up a whole new world of positive development.  It will take some practice, but if the feedback is offered with positive intention, we owe it to ourselves to listen.

And offering direct feedback can be just as challenging.  We are afraid to hurt someone’s feelings.  We don’t want to crush someone’s spirit.  That is natural and understandable  But imagine the consequences if we say nothing?  Are we willing to let someone waste their potential? Are we willing to let someone ruin their lives?  It can’t be mean-spirited or out of spite.  It has to come from a place of love and compassion.  But direct and honest feedback can offer so much value.  And the more we can offer and accept it, the more we can handle.  And the more challenge and opportunity open up to us.  And the more resilient we become.

It will take some practice.  Feedback won’t always be well-received.  And we may bristle at first on the receiving end.  But it is worth the effort.   It is worth powering through the awkward moments.  There is a whole new world of self-improvement waiting on the other side.

They say that feedback is a gift.  And that is true.  But we can’t be afraid to offer it or open it.