The wheel has come full circle. –William Shakespeare

My parents recently made the difficult move from their ancestral farmhouse in New Hampshire to an assisted living facility in the Washington, DC area.  Change of this magnitude is never easy, and the transition over the past five months has been slow but steady.  While all of their needs are being met, there is still concern about the adjustment from leaving their tight-knit community.

To help bridge this perceived isolation gap, my brother and I have been taking turns visiting, dining and encouraging social interaction.  In the beginning, they ate many of their meals alone, and participated in few activities.  Over time, they started engaging in more social functions, but we still worried about them being all alone.

One day last week, feeling that they needed company, I went down to their facility unannounced.  My parents were excited to see me and we had a nice visit.  Then I took them down to dinner and thought I would eat with them, assuming they were tired of eating by themselves every night.  When I pulled up a chair to join them, my mom asked if I was staying.

“Sure!  Just the three of us!”

They both shifted around in their seats uncomfortably.  And then my mom cleared her throat.

“Don’t you need to go home to your family?”

Not picking up the hint, I enthusiastically shot back.

“Nope!  They’re good.  And I’ve been meaning to try the new dessert!”

My dad glanced over his shoulder a few times and then managed to gently ask:

“Are you sure you don’t have to go?”

Huh?  Did they not want me around?  And then I saw them.  There were two very nice ladies approaching the table, looking for their regular seats.  My parents had their own crew and five was a crowd!

The initial feeling was tinged with a dab of sadness.  They don’t need me anymore!  But just as quickly, an incredible feeling of pride and satisfaction washed over me.  Their lives had come full circle.  They were doing okay.  Mission accomplished.  They don’t need me anymore!

I suppose that is exactly how my parents felt when I went off to college.  And isn’t that what life is all about?

It’s Not About Us

There is a certain amount of comfort derived from having others depend on us.  And a great amount of responsibility.  As managers,  we want to help our team succeed.  We will do anything to nurture, care and help each member flourish.  But what happens when they outgrow the position and move on?  Are we proud that we improved their trajectory in life or bitter because they left us behind?  As coaches, we pour our soul into developing our players, and strive to get the most out of their talent.  But do we celebrate when they move on to a higher echelon team or sulk because we feel betrayed?  As parents, we will do anything to see our children happy and self-sufficient.  But do we applaud their independence or feel somber when they no longer need us for everything in their lives?

The reality is there is some mixture of both.  Transition is never easy.  There will always be some amount of sadness and nostalgia for “the way things were”.  We all want to feel useful and needed.  And when the dynamics in a relationship change, it can be difficult to adjust.  But we have to keep the broader perspective in mind.   As difficult as it is, we have to remember that it is not about us.  If our purpose is to help people succeed and grow, shouldn’t we celebrate when they achieve those goals?

The Circle of Life Continues

But even the strongest person in the world is never completely independent.  We all need advice and direction at some point in our lives.  We all need reassurance and words of encouragement.  In difficult moments, we never outgrow the need to seek out those whom we love and respect.  They are our source of strength.  They provide the resilience we need to face our greatest challenges.

And so we find that relationship dynamics are constantly evolving.  And we have to maintain a healthy perspective as these changes occur.   Stepping back, we can now see a new metric of success.  We do not measure success by the number of people dependent upon us, but by the number of people who have flourished under our mentorship and care.

The circle of life continues.  The beat goes on.  Live it up mom and dad!